While former president Donald Trump is in the midst of a deeply embarrassing press tour for his exorbitantly priced picture book, his former fixer Michael Cohen—who famously paid hush money to alleged Trump mistress/porn star Stormy Daniels during the 2016 presidential campaign—has emerged from house arrest to spoil things.
“Speaking of former president’s cronies, we’ve got some news from his ex-fixer… Michael Cohen,” announced Stephen Colbert on The Late Show Tuesday night. “Cohen got off of house arrest just yesterday, and his first stop was CNN.”
Colbert then threw to a clip of Cohen on CNN saying, “I do want to make this promise to you and to all of your viewers: that I may have been prosecuted, and right now I am the only one, but I will not be the only one at the end… for this crime and for others.”
When asked who else was involved, Cohen replied, “Well, there were quite a few people that were involved. Eric Trump was involved.”
Cut to Colbert again, tucking in his upper lip—thereby exposing his chompers—to imitate the Trump son. “Help me, dad! Dad, help! I’m too pretty for jail!” his Eric exclaimed. “It will destroy mom. Also: second mom, third mom, and porn-star mom. She’s the only one who still calls me…”
Then, the comic segued to Cohen’s future “job prospects,” mentioning his bizarre sit-down meeting at a Manhattan restaurant with “a strangely-masked Kanye West”—a tete-a-tete which Cohen could somehow pull off while still under supposed house arrest.
“I’d rather not talk about it,” Cohen told CNN of the meet-up. “One thing that I’ve done very well, virtually my entire life, was help resolve issues for people. We’ll call it being ‘a fixer.’ This time, though, some of the issues I’m talking about with Ye are nothing to do with porn stars or Playboy Playmates. A lot of it is business-related.”
Cue Colbert who, holding a number of Kanye West albums and singles, constructed the following: “Cohen is a gold digger. That’s what you do when it all falls down. He used to work for a monster, but he doesn’t want to give up power, the good life, and all of the lights. No matter what, this is bound 2 be a circus. I wish they would both just runaway. But they won’t. That’s just my beautiful dark twisted fantasy… Life of Pablo.”